This must be the most violently purple template ever created for public use. I realllllllllly need to sort out something better.
So as usual, I have tons on my mind and absolutely no time to really blog about it. Or even really think about it. Hence the reason I’ve been wandering from place to place in a daze for the last few weeks looking like I need a helmet to travel by stair safely.
I guess I’m having what could be called a ‘crisis of faith’ but is really just spiritual maturation. At least, I’m hoping so. Otherwise, I have really wasted a LOTof time.
This isn’t something new. I suppose that really all of my faith has been in state of crisis in one way or another. If it wasn’t for the constant severe challenges that being a Christian has added to my life, I probably wouldn’t be one. I’m perverse that way.
But it seems like God keeps upping the ante pretty steadily, and I’m having a hard time understanding why. Maybe I don’t need to know why, but you had best believe I keep asking. Not because I’m perverse, but because I genuinely want to know. Why on earth would God take me, who would like to have something resembling a normal home and life and family at some point in my existence, and put me in a place and time and sphere of association where suddenly people I meet for the first time are completely justified in thinking I am some kind of freaky tambourine jangling religious wacky?
I’m not. I have no interest in that whatsoever. Never have. Yet here I am. Jangle jangle.
I think what’s happening is that I’m becoming even more skeptical of everything church related than I ever was because of all of the cultural bondage that often goes with it. There isn’t anything wrong with anything that Christians as a group are doing–as a matter of fact, there’s a whole lot that’s overwhelmingly right. But spiritually, and in a sense my latest bible readings are reflecting this, something is really stirring and bubbling in me, and has been for a VERY long while. I’m talking ten years, maybe longer. I think it’s been catalyzed by just how much more I’m around Christians now than I was before. I believe that God is almighty, Jesus saves, and the Holy Spirit really does guide and comfort us in day to day life. But I struggle because I see all of that as part of something much larger than what Christians tend to claim. I struggle to see any of that as being confined to church or church services no matter how cool and hip and groovy said services are. Something NEW needs to happen. Something ENTIRE needs to happen. For some reason–probably because of the way I became a Christian myself–I have this vision of church being not church. I have this dream of church being life…
I’m not articulating any of this very well, and I’m keeping back 99% of my thought process because this was intended to be a short light fluffy blog and already I’m writing a heck of a lot more than I intended. And I’m aware that this isn’t anything new, and there are tons of books and writings and better thinkers than me out there who’ve tackled the subject. And I’m also aware that if I read or hear one more thing on the subject, I’m going to gag. Something there is still deeply unsatisfying to me, although I’m not sure what or (here we go again) why.
And just to push the issue further, I’m also in the awkward position of knowing exactly what it is I want out of life and where God is leading me towards, but having absolutely no idea how to logically get there. AGAIN. I really don’t like this. There are days when I want to say, please can I just be a failure gracefully? Really, I’m content to go hide somewhere warm eating gubment cheese and talking ish about people, which is what comes naturally. But then I’ll see something or experience something that frustrates the crap out of me and instead of being a good little apathetic citizen, I hop back in the saddle and give it the old college try again…
So here we go. Crisis of faith. Or maturation. Or maybe I just need more sleep. It’s probably the latter.
I went to a party a while ago, and I met someone who thought I’d empathize with an extremely conservative and(I thought) offensive viewpoint simply because I was involved in Christian work. I didn’t. AT ALL. She got all offended and I wandered away extremely confused…if there’s a political manifesto that goes along with Christianity, somebody forgot to mail my copy. What is that about?
Some other random person told me all about the supposed calling on my life Sunday morning. All I said was, no, I’m not a student, I volunteer for this church. That apparently opened up the way for a massive move of the pseudo-prophetic. No disrespect, but all I could think was just once I would like to have a normal conversation. I like movies. Please, let’s talk about that.
Speaking of the prophetic…general rant coming up…God is not about to talk about you to loads of other people and never talk to YOU about you. Sometimes, we genuinely need a prophetic word delivered by somebody else. Sometimes, we need to go home and talk to God ourselves. It’s not like people don’t know that, but it seems like it’s easy sometimes, in our entertainment-oriented culture, for folks to become spiritual-event junkies of a sort. It’s one thing to really desire teaching and corporate worship times and prophecies and so on. It’s entirely otherwise when the pinnacle of your relationship with God is always some event or other. No disrespect to events or God who inspires them…I just really think that young Christians need to check ourselves on this before we find ourselves ignoring the still, small, voice in favor of the large function room complete with quiche-ridden buffet AGAIN and repeating the things we say we don’t like about the previous generations churches.
Anyway, I’ve just discovered that I’m going on holiday–uh, vacation–with a very close friend when I get back to the States in April. I’m really looking forward to it, if only because it means for a week, I can be a Christian in unrestricted air space. No assumptions, hopefully, no unsolicited offers of words of wisdom, knowledge, or encouragement, no talk of callings, no revelations of the Holy Spirit that involves barking like dogs, twitching like Jello or seeing gold dust(!), at least not in that terminology. I’m not saying that any of that is wrong. I’m just saying I’m looking forward to being a Christian in a non-event based setting for a little while and letting the Holy Spirit speak in a way that is more natural and genuine to me.
Okay–ah, yeah. Reading back over that, I’m guessing I’ll be annoyed with myself for posting soon. And for the 75% of you who I completely lost with all my mad crazy Christian talk…sorry. Y’all know it comes with the territory. Next time I’ll talk about Madonna’s latest single or something. (Seriously, who does she think she’s fooling? And here I thought she was gonna grow old gracefully…could somebody page Sophia Loren?)
Peace offering to follow…
Somebody sent me some new tracks by a NYC electro-soul group called HEAVy the other day. I’m passing them along because even though I didn’t really dig them at first, I’ve been humming the hook for about two weeks straight now! It’s catchy…don’t know why…the lyric isn’t even all that…see the title of this blog? Maybe it’s just good?
By the way, has anybody noticed that all my blog titles are song lyrics?
*sulks at the lack of recognition of my cleverness*
Other than that, I need to go get some work done!