I wrote a four-word letter, in postscript with crooked lines

Once again, I’m considering hiring a personal secretary. Meanwhile, I’m stuck having to write my own passive-aggressive memos to the world…

Dear Overly Friendly Gay White Male Co-Worker,

If you smack me on the knee/shoulder/butt and holler “How’s it going sistahgurl/girlfriend/black beauty?” one more time, it’ll be the last time you ever do anything with that hand. Seriously, knock it off. You don’t get a sistah pass just because you like black men too. This ain’t MTV.



Dear Denver Metro Bus Drivers,

It has come to my attention that very few of you like the organization you work for. If it’s any reassurance, I don’t either. However, this feeling does not release you from your responsibility to do the following things;

1)Drive the bus.

2)Drive the bus ON TIME.

3)Drive the bus on time TO THE RIGHT STOP.

Any further occurrences of last Tuesday’s incident will result in immediate side-eye action for all RTD bus drivers. Although I’ve always expressed a desire to visit Lower Mesopotamia, I didn’t want to do so on my way home from work last night. This incident has been logged and noted.

Globally speaking,


Dear Angry Caller,

I’m happy to announce that according to section A, paragraph 3, line 19 of my newly written Personal Guide to Dealing with Pushy Corporate Skrulls Customers, I now have the right to hang up on you immediately if you call me to complain that someone in another department isn’t answering their phone.  Further action(including feigned ignorance, hanging up, and general irritable responses) will be taken in the event that you call more than once,  begin a call by screaming obscenities at me, or demand things that I am not capable of doing. This especially applies to the gentleman who insisted I that I place an answering machine into an orifice that has neither the capacity or the function required for such a thing. People who insist on continuing to initiate conversations in this vein will either be openly clowned on, scolded like a schoolboy, or completely ignored, in accordance with the new policies.

You’ve been warned.



Dear Sweet Baby-Faced Hare Krishna Man Who Has No Idea Why You Are Actually A Hare Krishna Yet Still Keeps Trying To Give Me A Copy Of Some Random ‘Holy’ Book As Well As Strange Looking Tickets To A DELICOUS VEGETARIEN KRISHNA FEAST[sic] And Then Asking Me For My Phone Number,

Oh. Hell. NO.



Applications for the secretary position will be taken every 28 to 31 days until I’m over 50 or so…



2 responses

  1. hey, our “DELICIOUS VEGETARIAN KRISHNA FEAST” is usually good. I don’t know which country you are in though. The man is probably a ‘bhakta’ (jargon for newly joined up clueless person). And yes, we do get a lot of people who join up because they wouldn’t function in the real world. I know a guy who thinks that cows deserve more respect than women. I wonder if he knows where he came from.
    And I’m already a secretary somewhere in India. And I’m white. Other wise I would love to apply. But then again, I’m probably in cahoots with the “Sweet Baby-Faced Hare Krishna Man”.



  2. Hi vishaka!

    I’ve actually been to a feast…they are pretty good…but I think that this particular guy joined up because it gives him a way to meet women. *grrr*

    Thanks for your comment!

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